**UPDATES* Where have I been?

First of all thank you so much for the support
It still stings but not as badly anymore with the whole bf having to leave thing..

Secondly. I've been gone for quite some time.
I got so sick of the internet that I never logged into da at all. I never played any computer games really.. and I barely got on my facebook for a while.

I don't know. the unlogical pain from him leaving, the stress with my college finals, and the impending doom of some work deadlines had me all jacked up.
Still does..but not as badly.

I'm going to be around some. I'm not leaving or anything, just being slow because im finding the computer so much less inviting especially now it's summer and warm and sunny outside. (love camping!)


Thank you for understanding

---

Guys. It hurts so bad still.


Im in college and I have NEVER EVER liked , crushed, met I boy i wanted ot be more than friends with..Untill him.

We became good friends and dated for about a month..but it was doomed from the start.


umm.. the odd part.. uhh... yeah.. well. Ok so i've 'liked' guys before. Thought they were attractive, nice, someone i might consider being more than just friends with. But This semester I have been hit hard by the case of the butterflies in my tummy, shortness of breath, and quite frankly, jitters. (im 50% sure you might have noticed..) but there's this boy I met in my history class this year, named Drew.
We talked a teeeeennnyyy bit during the begining of classes a few times in the five mins before the prof. comes in, but other than that we didn't talk too much. One day, we talked a bit after class which was alright and that's when we really started to remember each other's name.
(You know how you have those people you kinda talk too, but they aren't close enough to you to really remember names well, etc..)
and a week after that we swapped numbers so we could study together for History class. (frankly that prof. is a heck of a cool old man, but his teaching does NOT reflect the test material!!! I have been getting Cs on the 2 grades we've had! I never make anything eblow a 90 on history tests... ever! )
aannyyhow I'm getting off topic..
So we swapped numbers, and arranged for a study time.
Basically we studied fr *maybe* 20 minuets and realized I had bought the wrong volume of the history book.. (soo embarrassing) and it wasn't very easy for us to study together.
He ended up askign if I wanted to go catch a movie instead and we went to go see (can't remember the name..movie with this family that has weird things happen to them, which ends up being aliens called "the Greys"
It was mildly scarey for me (i never really did watch scarey movies.. haha im a 'sheltered' child) bout half way through the movie he did the thing that well..the oldest trick in the book..he put his arm around my shoulders.
(Which this isn't the first time I had something like this happen..but bless the poor other guy's heart, I didn't like him the same way so I had leaned back before his hand could settle, thus blocking his attempt.. but we're still good friends)
So this was the first time I *let* a guy (not sure what the right word is.. hit, flirt, ...make a move?.. lol im so bad at terminology)
It was over all a pleasant night and gave me a major dose of butterflies.
and that was pretty much all that happened the first time we hung out.

then we hung out a 2nd time (totally no longer trying to study together anymore, just hanging out)
We went to a mexican restaurant, threw chips at each other and had a fun time being messy kids..
Haha, I went to eat a chip and ended up missing my mouth and hirring my tooth with the chip! but it was just funny and he didn't make me feel embarrassed.
after that we went to go see Identity theft. Which was alright.

two days go by then we went out to each at Ihop and had fun having 'straw paper' wars. (use the straw to 'shoot' the pager at each other. Not spit balls though)

we hung out around campus a little then .. March 13th turned out to be a very 'scarey' night for me.
Drew and I went to this place called 'The Clubhouse' and it has putput, golfing, bowling, laser tag, etc.
We stayed there for hours.
First we played putput (not sure of the spelling) and he ended up constantly kicking my ball into the water traps so i'd have to fight him off so I could try to rescue my ball *before* it went down the waterfall and got out of reach .
Then we bowled (which I was doing really well at for some weird reason.) and I nearly beat him.
We goofed off some and got pizza. . . .which sadly our fun was cut a bit short because of my parents..
where I go to school is about a 45 min drive from my home. While I can stay the night with my friend Alyson sometimes, I can't do it all the time and I certianly don't want to ask her just because ii was hanging out with drew. I feel like that would be just 'using her' for her place.
Anyways, back to the story once more.
He drove me back to the campus parking lot where my car was, since we rode to the Clubhouse together in his car, and he parked.
Now normally we would just have a friendly hug and part ways, but this time he got out the car too. i was all ~hm. ok. that's odd.. whatever. ~ and went to give him a hug, like normal. Instead though, he just kinda stood there..so i thought something was wrong and looked up. The moment I did though he moved his hands from his side, to my back, and kissed me, which shocked the heck outta me! (it was a light kiss, nothing ronchy) Naturally, like any person caught off guard, I froze and he stopped and looked at me. "I just want to be sure we're on the same page here. I really like you, do you like me?"
By this point Im just this HUGE ball of nerves, confusion, and dumbfoundedness...and I couldn't speak. At all. I probably sounded like a gargling seal or something stupid.
He stood there patiently and after what felt like minuets for me, I finally managed to say "yeah..I like you a lot."
Which now he smiled and I could tell he was about to try a 2nd time, and well.. I was soooo nervous.. I kinda laughed.. um yeah.. not a Laugh out loud sorta thing..but I kinda cracked up a little. Then he started laguhging and I appologized sayign I was probably the most awkward person ever, but he said I was probably only the 2nd most awkward person ever
SO long story shortened a little, eveeennntually there managed to be a 2nd little peck and we parted ways.
That experience was soo scary for me (not in a bad way I guess.. lol it's just i've litterally never ever ever ever kissed a guy, held their hand, *nothing* and he knew that ahead of time from when we had talked before)

BUT we weren't 'official' yet. (that had happened on a wednesday, and the next time I saw him was that friday.)
he walked me to my car after class and I was still confused and nervous and a full of the jitters now!
We talked for a while before I had to leave and I could tell he was bout to try and kiss me again but I freaked out a bit and turned my head at the last minuet. That made a bit of a mess because I was confused about what I wanted and he was obviously much more confused and asked if he was being friend zoned and if I didn't really like him that much. So I explained to him I did like him ..and after that I tried to explain how I felt.. but it was just soo confusing and horrible and I want to slap myself because I was making *no sense* and I think I hurt his feelings a little.
That was the friday before spring break and so we texted a little over the break but I never saw him till the monday after the break because he was out of town.

Alright Another longer story shortened, that monday we hung out for hours and kinda talked about it. Set up some boundries and that's when it became officially official .
Once in a while we hit a little bump, because Im more conservative than he is, but he's really patient with me cause he knows i'm a 'goody goody' and that he's my first boyfriend.

I have a few tiny things I find as his flaws like he drinks and parties, and I don't at all.
But he never drinks around me, and he's been partying less and less.. plus he said he doesn't go out to get drunk and stuff (which I believe because he told me all about that when we first became friends and before he knew I didn't drink at all)

Yeah.. Um.. this post was really long. I'm sorry about that..
So we've officially been dating since March 25th. and unofficially since march 13th.
that's pretty much all the excitement in my life..


there is one thing though, that i think will keep our relationship from lasting..and it sucks really bad.. Next year his family is all moving to Texas, and he's been wanting to go to the school there..and he's SOOO smart. This boy has a 4.0! and I know he'll be able to get into the school easily. So.. next year I wont see him much at all .

........................


and now here's the part that hurts..


Work has been stressful and parents had been fighting again.
Plus...the day we both knew had to happen, finally came about Wednesday. Drew and I had to 'break up' . We're still good friends and all but it's not the same. We both knew it couldn't work out because I will quite literally never see him again for at least four years..but I don't know. Just couldn't help it and we decided to start dating anyways. Now it just really hurts and sucks because if it wasn't for his predetermined plans to live in Texas we would still be going out.
None of my friends can give much advice. All of their relationships have ended due to bad things like the person cheating or they just don't get along anymore. Drew and I had finally found a happy middle ground and I was growing more comfortable around him. Everything was working out great....and it sucks because I don't know what to really do with myself. I'm not angry at him at all, it was just as much my fault that this even started. Plus today would mark the 1month. So that sucked.
I feel so stupid and pathetic. I know I shouldn't feel so upset about the end of this relationship but I'm so so sooo picky when it comes to guys. Yes I thought some were cute or extra nice or sorta kinda a bit datable but NO ONE has actually full met my standards like Drew has.. yes at first it was a bit odd for me since he is much less conservative I guess you could say. But we worked it out and he toned it waayyy down.
He had openly admitted (before we started dating) that most of his other relationships were more physical and a bit less emotional. But because we were taking things slow , we got to know each other really well and it wasn't like his past relationships at all, and he said he liked it.

The day we broke up, I was hanging out with him after classes. It was only supposed to be for about 30 mins cause he had to leave to do running with his ROTC squad. We spent about 15 minuets just being goofy but then I brought up the question about Texas...uhg..it was horrible. Since his family, and closest friends will be in Texas, he would never be in Ga, and I have no family in Tx... and we would never see each other.
So it was decided the right thing to do was split up. He apologized and said it was incredibly stupid of him to start this relationship and put me through this pain. I told him it wasn't his fault and I knew from the start he was leaving. Then he just kinda shook his head and gave me a hug, saying he wanted to try a distance relationship but that he knew it wouldn't be the best thing because he didn't want to lead me on for a long time and never be able to see me anyways. He said that wouldn't be right of him and that it would only hurt me worse.
Then instead of leaving at 6 to run with his squad, he stayed with me for another hour and a half. I know it's selfish but it made me feel better knowing that I meant something to him. He looked like he was about to cry like I was. Somehow I managed not to cry infrkbt of him but after he dropped me off at my car and told me goodbye I just sat in my car for 30 mins and cried.
I thought I had myself mentally prepared for this but apparently I didn't..and now I don't know what to do with myself. It just hurts. And I'm so thankful he's still my friend.it just..sucks.
If life didn't get in the way what would have happened?
I'm certainly not trying to sound like some phyco overly attached girl but..I do wonder..

How long would we have dated and would it have eventually lead to something g more? I don't know and now I probably never will.


I miss talking to him so much. We agreed not to talk for a while to try to calm things down. but it sucks. It hurts talking to him and knowing that we can't be together together, but it hurts even more not being able to joke around iwth him and try to be friends right now.



I seriously don't know what to do with myself.

In college and never had a boyfriend , nor felt the need for one until this perfect guy waltzed into my life.




It hurts. It hurts so bad.


and there I go... balling my eyes out again...